“But whoever has the world’s goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him?” 1 John 3:17
Upcoming Podcast Topic
According to statistics, individuals from difficult backgrounds struggle to set new goals once they reach their “dream” goals.
Most children from poor backgrounds are never taught how important it is to set new goals after achieving one’s initial goal.
I’m sure many of us can relate. Our lives are spent pursuing dreams and sometimes we actually achieve those dreams. But what happens next? For example: Let’s say I’ve worked my entire life to make a million dollars. If I get it, what comes next? Are we ready for what lies ahead?
Has my background or environment played a role in my inability to set new goals?
Why wasn’t I taught that having a dream is admirable, but setting goals is essential?
Did I support you?
I’m sorry that I didn’t hear you better.
Man, I shouldn’t have argued with her about this.
These things go through my head as the dust clears after an argument. Many people, like me, begin to assess what happened and why. We look for remnants of what once was and try to rebuild from nothing— the rubble. But is it really nothing? I believe that the rubble actually has the hidden answers to a successful relationship.
The after affects of arguments tell us stories of the problems of the past. The awkward silence, raised voices, slammed doors, unnecessary comments.
Like history, if we don’t learn from our mistakes we are doomed to repeat them.
I believe that if studied, measured and analyzed properly, that “stone” of miscommunication that a builder might refuse could then turn into a chief cornerstone of rebuilding lost intimacy and connection in a relationship. Focusing on those key issues in arguments like assumptions, superlatives like “always and never”, the raised voices, the errant comments—taking those left over bite-sized pieces of a disagreement and using that as a building block. We can allow ourselves not to start from ground zero but to start from a place of understanding, hearing, accountability and agreement.
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” James 1:19 NLT
If not for someone else,
If not for God.
How many of us have those “if not for” stories?
How many of us have been saved by the best friend?
The bartender or a family member?
Was it just that we were so much more aware than others?
That we somehow overcame our drunkenness to rationalize that we should give our keys up to a friend or family member?
I’m so eager and yet so apprehensive to tell this story.
My near Henry Ruggs-like incident.
I’ll tell a story right now of my own mistake with alcohol. I was out with friends drinking a daiquiri watching a basketball game. I felt myself getting really drunk and not feeling well. Though I was surrounded by friends, I snuck off due to embarrassment for the state I was in and figured it was okay to drive myself home.
What took place over the next five hours hammered humility, empathy, and kindness into me. When I tell this story, I always tell the listeners that I wasn’t driving. It was God driving. God drove a distance of 7.1 miles in rush hour traffic, through busy intersections, traffic lights and pedestrian crossings, as I snapped in and out of my drunken consciousness.
The simple fact that this mistake could happen to anyone was pressed into my head like the curbs I hit, breaking my cars axels.
How much I wasn’t in control was slammed into me the way I slammed my foot into the brakes. Finally, I woke up long enough to understand that I needed to pull my car over.
What I awoke to was a car full of vomit and the fear over what I had done but also the awareness of God’s presence in my car. I could have died; I could have killed someone. I could have been arrested, but God saw that it was okay for me to just go home.
We can all say stop being stupid, but we all still make mistakes.
As for the Ruggs situation, I would rather mourn the loss of life than point the finger. I would rather acknowledge the fact that a person made a mistake and would take it back if they could.
Many people don’t know, but I actually have an architecture degree—so creative blocks (similar to writers block) are something I grew accustomed to in school. I used to get them often when designing staircases, floor plans, or even entire homes. I would step outside to get some air, or do things I called mind shifts. Meaning, I would strike up a random conversation with a classmate, watch a YouTube video, or even work on a different section of the project. If I was working on the windows of a design, I might jump to the placement of doors. The changing of focus was my go to method to get the creative juices flowing again. Sadly, the methods I listed above aren’t working these days. It’s different I guess, because the creative blocks now are purely from outside sources not from within. I want so badly to create and write a blog, but it’s just not there. The ideas aren’t flowing like they use too. Lack of sleep, stress, lack of resources. Or simply the fact that I haven’t slept in my bed since August 28th, the day we evacuated.
Mold growing in our home. Unresponsive insurance companies and a career that I’m excited about but can’t seem to find the energy to sink into.
I once heard this saying before: “It might NOT be okay.”
This may be crazy to hear a Christian say, but as the Bible says: There is a time for everything: a season for laughter, and a season for tears.
In my case, this is a season of stress. I’ll say it again, a season. I’m not promised rainbows and sunshine every day, but I am promised His presence throughout it all.
“Enjoy prosperity while you can, but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God. Remember that nothing is certain in this life.” Ecclesiastes 7:14
It’s okay for things not to be okay. Just remember, it’s only for a season.
I’ll praise Him for the good and the bad. With either, I still have Him.
Your gift will make room for you, but will you make space for anything else?
As I got uplifted for my gift did I take time to work on any other skills?
Did I believe my success made me a good person? Do my close relationships reflect that?
Do my coworkers love me but is my family in shambles?
“Do I walk in a room leading with my success and let the door hit the rest?”
Quick example: Celebrities of all kinds (actors, entertainers, etc. etc.) are heralded in society for their gifts and talents whether on movie screens or in music. But a lot of times, we see that other aspects of their lives are in disarray. Why well quite simply their gift made room for them but the other non gifted areas were left unattended and dragged along as they rose in fame. No time for late night phone calls with friends because of early call times. Couldn’t go to prom because of popularity or lack of free time.
My pastor once said that: As a pastor how could I get up here every Sunday and tell you what to do and how to live your life, when every part of my life outside of this church is in shambles.
Our gifting isn’t only suppose to be used to bless those in the pulpit, or music fans, or an avid movie goer or a random person on the street. Our best was also meant for our spouse, our children, our parents, and our friends.
We see with the stories of Jesus that blessings were not only allocated for the masses but also for his friends. His goodness and best was for all not just for his fans and followers. I said that to say Jesus who was, our savior with or without his gifts of healing, or wisdom. But even with those gifts Jesus made time to help with Peters mother-n law and heal her. To raise Lazarous from a deep sleep like death. Jesus chose to be there for those closest to him not for the acclaim, not because it was cool, but because he knew it was necessary of him as a friend.
Did I work on my close relationships today?
It’s easy to be blessing to those that you truly don’t know.
Check yourself today: Are you making an impact in the lives of those that are supposed to be nearest and dearest to you?
When we are working on our gift, we also can’t forget to work on the other aspects of our lives. Our social skills, relational skills, integrity, honor, love, humility. It’s easy to just lay on our gifts and use them to rise to the top.
I was a great musician but did I let my musical gift raise my children?
I was a great politician but did I let my politics run my marriage?
I was the best athlete of all time but did I let my fame befriend my friendship circle?
The same amount of time invested in those gifts has to be invested in those other areas if not more because guess what? I’m not gifted in those areas.
When the lights shut off on my gift will I be just as great in the other aspects of my life?
What are the qualities of a good spouse?
What should I look for?
Deal breakers-What are those?
In this episode, my wife and I settle into a conversation describing a set of qualities we each sought in a spouse. So get comfortable and join our dialogue as we dive into this timely topic.
Mini Blog:
Marriage counseling shouldn’t be treated as an emergency room visit but as a routine check-up. Often, we only seek marriage counseling when we are near giving up or are at the point where we have given up. Marriage counseling wasn’t designed to be an “if all else fails” fix.
While my wife and I are not currently in marriage counseling, we are huge proponents of it and believe in the difference that it can make in a relationship.
We all come from damaged backgrounds. We are all imperfect. The lie that we were sold is that counseling is for those of us who need it. The catch to that statement is that, frankly, we all need it. We all need tools and resources to be better husbands and wives. Growing shouldn’t stop when we cross the altar but, unfortunately for most of us, it does.
We often step into the counseling office at odds wrongly against each other—wife vs husband instead of husband and wife vs the issue. With just that small redirection of thinking, we solve the majority of marital issues.
“Without counsel, plans go awry, But in the multitude of counselors they are established.”
Proverbs 15:22
“Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”
Proverbs 11:14
A Christian Couple's Blog 