What happens when you ask all the right questions?

Why don’t they understand that they hurt you?

The below the belt comment they made was unnecessary. That comment unknowingly to them has potentially permanently damaged your relationship with them.

When you’ve went back over the disagreement in your head countless of times. Attempting to somehow dot every I and cross all the T’s of your confusion.

This situation doesn’t add up, the argument doesn’t make sense.

“When you can’t make sense out of something that doesn’t make sense.”

In elementary school, they considered me a kid on the “unacceptable side” of the disciplinary spectrum. I wasn’t good at expressing my emotions, and when I did express them, they were at a level 10 (levels are a description I use with my wife often to describe the severity of things). I struggled a lot with understanding the reason for my weight. The struggle with my weight gave me an anxiety with being touched. Being touched was a reminder for me that I was overweight because I could feel that person touch me– it was a snap back to reality. None of my childhood friends understood why I reacted this way to something as simple as touch or tap to get my attention. I nor them could explain it. It angered me that they could feel my heaviness once they touched me.

We seldom know what people are dealing with and the truth is most times neither do they. We are often unable to put names, faces, or reasons, to how and why we reacted in the way that we did.

So what happens when it doesn’t make sense? Well we simply just trust God. As Noah did, as Moses did, as Joseph did, as David did, as Mordecai did, as Esther did and most importantly as Jesus did.

“Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Ephesians 4:32

This year has been a whirlwind to say the least.  I started out this year excited but nervous to begin counseling for the 1st time.  The idea that this would be my biggest challenge this year was stressful enough.  I totally underestimated how difficult it would be to adjust to and grow in counseling while at the same time trying to finish up my licensure supervision hours while also enrolled in seminary classes while at the SAME time holding down a (although flexible, thank God) full-time job.  This alone was enough to make 2020 a pretty daunting year for me, but I was prepared for it…mostly.  Top all of that off with COVID, a quarantine that lasted longer than any of us thought that it would, a total move to teletherapy, reduced hours for my job and my hubby’s job loss and of course the ensuing financial problems, and it’s safe to say that “2020 was a year that no one saw coming” is an understatement.  

I had more breakdowns than I can count this year–you know, the ugly cry ones.  I questioned my ability to even be an effective counselor, something I KNOW God called me to do (I questioned that A LOT this year) when some days, I had zero motivation to even get out of the bed.  Couple all of this with being a black woman in this country this year (enough said) and trying to successfully navigate my first year as a wife–by this past summer, I didn’t know how I was going to make it to the end of 2020 at the pace that I was on.  I wanted to quit so many times–quit counseling, quit school, quit my jobs, quit supervision.  I just didn’t see how I could keep it all up till the end… but somehow, I did.  Somehow I’m still here, my sanity and my faith intact.  It’s December, and I feel like I can breathe for the 1st time in a long time.  If I can name one thing that 2020 taught me, it would be this:  I can’t change anyone or fix anyone.  I can’t even fix me.  I am not where my power lies.  It lies in my Father God and in my identity in Him through the sacrifice of His son, Jesus.  All that I have to offer to anyone is only what comes through me from Him.  I can never be smart enough or whole enough to offer much of anything to anyone else, but somehow, He uses me anyway–and that makes all the difference.   

 “19 I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power 20 that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms.”  Ephesians 1:19-20 (NLT)

The behaviors we call our “personality” are mostly filled with our reactions to things that have happened in the past.

Would you believe me if I told you that your present reactions and behaviors are directly related to things you were delighted by or troubled by as a child?

The way you speak to family, friends, and strangers is based on that principle of former delight or trouble from past situations.

In marching band it was a normal custom to be hazed. We called it “crabbing.” It was a first year band member’s initiation process. We were trained to be disciplined, seen but not heard, and mistake free in performances. Due to this grueling process we first year members would involuntarily flinch anytime an upper-classmen would come too close to us.

Once we made it out of the crabbing phase, we no longer had to fear. Flinching was no longer an involuntary reaction for us. But what happens if that crabbing process, instead of taking only 4-5 months to complete took years– maybe even decades? Would those reactions become ingrained in us to the point where they no longer could be released and actually became apart of who we are?

This is an astonishing reality–that much of what we call our personality are just continuous reactions to trauma strung together until they become apart of us.

To think what would we actually be like without these traumas–how we would sound, how we would carry ourselves is a thought worth contemplating.

Are we actually being who we are–who we were called to be? Or are we daily reminders to ourselves and to others of the pain we once went through?

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” 2 Corinthians 5-17

This blog post is very near and dear to my heart. In full transparency, I’ve been working through this topic within my own marriage.

I would like to start off with my belief that the true foundation of marriage is sacrifice which according to the Biblical definition is the manifestation of love.

In expounding on the above statement, God gave us the ultimate example of love by sacrificing his son Jesus for the sake of all mankind. A key component of faith from a Christian standpoint is that we love God because He first loved us as evidenced by his sacrifice. One way we show our love for him is through submission to his Word.

So I ask this question to all my married couples: could/would you be able to not make the most money and still be able to support your spouse? Even though by societal standards they’re “winning” financially and you’re not?

Secondary question: When your spouse is being thrusted to the forefront and being honored in society, could you as a husband or wife be okay with that? Can you embody the simple principle that if they’re succeeding then we are succeeding as a family–because under God, we have been united as one flesh. So if she’s being placed in leadership positions then we are also because I am with her. This is a concept that I’m getting better and better at by the day. For me this was one of the hardest things to deal with while in the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic. As a husband, I expect to and want to lead from the front–expecting to be the vocal, financial, and spiritual leader at all times. But this is just sadly due to ego and pride. God has given us help through our spouses so that through them, we can gain some relief from this unrealistic burden. To think that there won’t be ebbs and flows to our relationships is illogical thinking. There will be times where who is the financial and vocal leader will swap, and that’s okay. We can’t control what life and God throw at us. Yes, the goal is for I as the husband to be at the front but not necessarily at all times. No, that is not promised and once again, that is okay. Truth is we all have to be able to lead from the front, the back, the rear, and all sides. Leadership doesn’t have anything to do with preferred positions, rankings, or bank statements. Leadership is the sacrifice you’re willing to endure for the good of others.

Can our marriages truly look like our Savior’s love and sacrifice for us?

We’ve all heard the terms “straight shooter” or “being real” and thought that they were great qualities to have. The lie is that it is acceptable to be this way. We must be cautious of how we talk to each other. We must be able to speak the truth in love to our families, friends, etc.,

Just as a supervisor has no true justification to speak to an employee in a disrespectful manner or a mother to her child, everyone deserves respect at every level. No position you are given or earn allows you to be disrespectful to the person you may feel is below you in position or ranking.

Being a straight shooter is nothing more than an excuse to be a rude individual. It is a fixation with putting others down. Using the excuse of “well I just talk like that” or “that’s the way I am” is not adequate or suitable. We must do a better job at being more approachable–being more sociable. This is a responsibility of us all. If you feel as though explaining yourself is aggravating or that repeating things is aggravating, that is an indication of an internal problem within yourself, because at some point, someone had to explain or break down something to you.

Knowledge does not make a person better than another. Instead it is our duty to pass on that knowledge to others in a way that does not discredit or demean them. I was talked about for many years due to my weight, but it wasn’t until someone told me the truth in love, not just for laughs and a joke. This person unknowingly to me became my personal trainer, and my life changed forever because of it.

Think of the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen–really, think about it for a second. Now hold on to that image. What does she look like? What are some of her physical attributes? More specifically what is her hair type/texture?

I realize that depending on my audience, the type of woman imagined could vary. But what type of girl do we often see cast in the media as the “love interest”–the “pretty girl”? Is she darker hued or of a fairer complexion? Is her hair straight or curly? Do we see her natural hair at all?

If you’re like me, you probably have few instances of seeing a girl with kinky/curly hair displayed as the lead in a film, singing group or any other popular media. This isn’t a new phenomena. For years, we and our mothers, grandmothers and beyond have been given a singular message from society concerning this most sacred part of ourselves–that message being that the hair that grows out of our heads is not acceptable. We have been made to feel ashamed of it–so much so that we wished to either cover it up or chemically alter it.

Now before you assume that I’m attacking weaves and relaxers, know that I’m not. I didn’t write this to tell all relaxed haired women to cut off their hair and go natural or for those who wear weaves to stop wearing them all together. It is fun and harmless to switch up your style from time to time. I am ALL for that boo, so do you! Also, protective styles from time to time are a MUST to maintain a natural healthy head of long hair. What I AM attacking is the insecurity, the lie, that tells so many of us that we are not acceptable without these things. That your God-given hair is not acceptable for the workplace, media or even to the opposite sex. We have to be honest with ourselves. What is your motivation? To switch up your style or to hide a piece of yourself? If it is the latter, there is no need to feel ashamed. It’s hard to take pride in yourself when society has given you every reason not to. But just because you’ve been a certain way or thought a certain way for a long time does not mean that you have to remain that way. It starts with you–with questioning yourself and your motivations. From there a decision needs to be made. At least, that is how it was for me.

Part II coming soon!